Staind, "Outside"

"Outside," from Staind's 2001 album Break the Cycle, is another song that strikes me very deeply as a divorced dad. This track is more about unrequited love than it is about the relationship between a father and his daughter, but, if you've read earlier posts in this blog, you know that doesn't really matter to me.

My ex-wife has primary custody of my daughter, and I get to spend time with her twice a week. Actually, there are times I get some extra visits with her because my ex and I still get along pretty well, but that's beside the point. Even though I get to spend this time with my daughter, I know there's a lot that I'm missing out on. "I'm on the outside/I'm looking in." That about sums it up right there.

Grateful Dead, "Touch of Grey"

This is a very fun song. I'll start off with a not-widely-known story about this song: "Touch of Grey," from the Dead's 1987 album In the Dark, is the first and only Grateful Dead song to chart on the Billboard Top 100. That's right--for all their success, the Grateful Dead are technically a one-hit wonder.

Moving on, there are two parts of this song that really mean a lot to me. The first is just a single line: "Every silver lining has a touch of grey." It's just a nice little saying. The second part of the song I like touches me a little bit more personally, being a survivor and current fighter of cancer. "I will get by/I will survive." Every time I hear this song, those seven words remind me that, despite all the bad stuff going on in my day-to-day life, I have the power to keep on keeping on. No matter what happens, I and I alone have the power to control what happens. If I stay positive, I can continue living my life and enjoy the people around me that are helping me along the way.

Metallica, "No Leaf Clover"

Here's another great song about your life being thrown out of whack without warning. "No Leaf Clover," from Metallica's album S&M, is a collaboration between the band and the San
Francisco Symphony Orchestra. The two entities performed together during a special two-night concert early in 1999.

"No Leaf Clover" is a song that was specifically written for this concert. It's a wonderfully sweeping piece of music, with neither the band nor the orchestra overpowering each other. The story of the song, though, pretty much sums up my life.

Everything is going well for the guy in the song, just as everything was going well with me and my family. However, the wheels come off: "Then it comes to be/the soothing light at the end of your tunnel/was just a freight train coming your way." There is only one way this is going to end...badly. In my case, that train was cancer, and the collision between me and that "train" was a bankruptcy and a divorce. Even now, as I start to put the pieces of my life back together, there's still the feeling that there's a train going to come down the line again, and having to always wonder when the other shoe is going to drop in regards to my cancer is paralyzing at times. My only hope with the path I'm on now is that I get to enjoy the journey for a while before the next problem comes barreling through.

If you want to check out this song and album, click here

Evanessence, "My Immortal"

Here's another song that I take kind of differently from the actual meaning. This mellow song, from Evanessence's 2003 debut Fallen, is about being haunted obsessively by the departed spirit of a loved one. However, the chorus of the song I chose to interpret another way.

"When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears/When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears/And I've held your hand for all of these years/But you still have all of me." Those words bring me back to thinking of my fractured relationship I now have with my daughter. I used to be her defender, the one that would hold her when she was upset, the one who would put her to bed every night with a kiss on her forehead. Now, two-to-three times a week, I give her a kiss, then tell her I love her and that she'll see me in a few days. It doesn't really have the same feel as it once did. I know she misses me though--she says that every time we part--and every time I leave her, I always tell her that I'll always be her Daddy, no matter what. That's one thing that'll never change.

The Beatles, "Yesterday"

Growing up, I really wasn't that big a fan of The Beatles. Never saw the appeal. Something changed in my head though--fairly recently in fact--and now a have a new appreciation of their genius. There is just something about their lyrics that just strike me the right way now.

Anyway, this song, from the 1965 album Help!, hits me in a way that is quite different from the intended meaning. "Yesterday" is about a break-up. For me, it's kind of about my struggle with cancer.

Just over four years ago, I went to see my doctor to discuss some terrible headaches I had been having. He sent me for an MRI and, a few days later, I had the answer. Brain cancer, just six months after the birth of my little girl. I put on a brave face about it, but inside, I was devastated.

That sudden feeling of devastation is what this song is all about. "Yesterday/All my troubles seemed so far away/Now it looks as though they're here to stay/Oh, I believe in yesterday." My life was so much easier pre-cancer. I long for those days now. Needless to say, my life has been drastically different since then. "Suddenly/I'm not half the man I used to be/There's a shadow hanging over me/Oh, yesterday came suddenly." Oh, how I wish to emerge from that shadow. For the past four years I've been deep within that shadow, but even though there is still darkness around me, things are finally starting to get a little brighter.

A Perfect Circle, "3 Libras"

This desperate, beautiful song, from A Perfect Circle's debut album Mer de Noms (2000), resonates very deeply in my soul. To me, this song is all about unrequited love. A guy is terribly smitten by some woman, but despite all his efforts he can't get the woman to notice him.

At least least once in our lives, we probably had to suffer through not being noticed. It doesn't even have to be about love; this could easily apply to other situations, such as going friendless through high school or looking for a promotion at work. You try all you can to be noticed, but all you end up being is just a face in a crowd. "A name in your recollection/Down among a million same," as is said in the song.

This leads to despair: "Difficult not to feel a little bit/Disappointed and passed over/When I look right through/To see you naked but oblivious/And you don't see me." While the song doesn't bring these feelings to any conclusion, the old saying "Good things come to those who wait" certainly applies here. We all may get sad or angry at the situation that you are in, but if we are patient enough, things will come out better in the end.

You can check out this wonderful song here.

Pearl Jam, "Around the Bend"

This deep track by Pearl Jam is originally from their album No Code (1996), but the version I came across today on my iPod was from the live acoustic album Live at Benaroya Hall (2004). After doing a bit of research, I found that the song can be taken a couple of different ways; the way I see it, which I'll talk about in a moment, and a much darker interpretation, which I'll take a pass on. (Note: it involves a serial killer.)

Anyway, a little background needs to be filled in here. Recently, I've gone through a divorce. Also, I have a four-and-a-half-year-old daughter whom I adore more than life itself that, because of said divorce, I only get to see a few days a week. That's where the interpretation of the song I prefer comes in. This song could easily pass as a lullaby; a father softly singing his child to sleep. Parts of this song strike me hard, knowing that I'm not always going to be there for my little angel: "All the evenings close like this/All these moments that I've missed/Please forgive me, won't you, dear/Please forgive and let me share/With you around the bend." Let me tell you, nothing made me happier as a father then cradling my daughter in my arms as she drifted off to sleep.

The song ends with what could be a little prayer: "You're an angel when you sleep/How I want your soul to keep/On and on around the bend," and truly, isn't that all that a parent wants to do, to keep his or her child safe and comfortable, to always be there in times of need?